Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jungle Joose tastes like sin

It was 10:30 am on a Saturday morning. I was driving a stolen UHaul to help move some televisions of dubious origin. Along the way I was going to pick up a buddy to help me load the goods. “Just pull off the on-ramp and pick me up. I’ll be the guy who looks like a homeless man” he told me on the telephone. Sure enough, when I got on the ramp, there was Ed in grungy clothing, a beggard’s sign pleading for food, and several cans of malt liquor.

Well actually, most aspects of the above story is not true. Can you guess which part is 100% true? You guessed it, Ed waiting for me at a highway on-ramp with a shit-ton of malt liquor at 10:30 in the morning is completely true. I had recently bought a house, and in order to facilitate the move Ed thought it best to pick up some malt liquor to get us in the mood to spend the day lifting heavy objects. He bought a four pack of Sparks and a horrid abomination called “Jungle Joose.” Somehow I resisted the urge to partake, using the lame excuse that I had “several hours of hard lifting and UHaul driving ahead of me” and that “getting blitzed out of my gourd was the worst idea since they cancelled the Chevy Chase Show in 1993.” Despite being called a weakling and a sissy-boy I was able to maintain sobriety and only tried a sip. Even trying only enough to write a review I still have to say that I failed my saving throw, and lost a full 6 points off my sanity level.

According to label it’s a “Premium Malt Beverage” that is spiked with “natural flavors, taurine, ginseng, caffeine, and certified colors.” I just want to be upfront and tell you that the “certified color” is some sort of horrid green nightmare. This can never be packaged in a bottle, as you body will not physically let you drink anything that shade of green without vomiting (editors note: Ecto-cooler juice boxes were a similar shade. Thus proving that kids are disgustingly gross cretins with odious personal habits.) The smell is off-putting. It has a sickly sweet smell that reminds you of rot and corruption. The flavor that hits you as you tilt back the 24 oz tall boy is cheap gin and gross soda.

The one thing it does have going for it is the fact that is pack a ridonkulous 9.9% ABV and it comes in a 23.5 oz can. Let break that down a bit; that equates to 695ml and a normal bottle of wine had 750ml and the roughly the same ABV. Drinking an entire can is like guzzling most of a bottle of wine. So lets recap… For about $2.50 you can buy almost the equivalent of a bottle of wine in malt liquor form, nearly vomit from the fact it tastes like the nastiest gin you can find mixed with the most nastiest fruit soda you can find, take in enough sugar to give you diabetes, and get ripped for a week straight on caffeine and taurine. This vile concoction should be renamed “bad idea in a can.” I think the police should just arrest you the moment you walk out of the store with it, because you are obviously high on something. And the can is just a visual abortion. Who are they trying to appeal to? Hardcore drunks? Sorry, we have more class than that. Maybe they are trying to appeal to high schoolers and the mentally deficient, because that’s the only people who will be attracted by the retina searing can. It even comes pre-chilled and sold individually in the freezer case, ready to be drank in the car on the way home. I honestly have nothing good to say about this product.

Even history's greatest lush won't touch this dreck!

I suppose the real lesson to be learned in this post is to never trust Ed.

He was even a subversive baby mini-lush!


  1. This is funny and must have been the day of days as you both posted about it

  2. The day wasn't so bad....it was the drink.

    They were both tied as the worst I have ever drank.